One Year

Today my head is a swirling sea of memories. It is full of conversations and moments, happy and sad; all bittersweet. Today marks one year since Tammy passed away. I have thought and thought about what I want to say but am unable to put all of these moments and feelings into print. Instead, I'll honor her with some of my favorite pictures and the memory behind it, then maybe the words will come.

A heartbreaking picture, the one of her and the kids walking away, this was their last real outing before she went in for the Stem Cell transplant. I know they had a wonderful day together that those children will never forget.

Tammy holding her firstborn, Zachary, 5 days old which happened to be on Tammy's birthday.

The picture of Tammy, Jerry and Mollie, taken the day after Thanksgiving 2 years ago. We had gone up to put up her Christmas tree for her. Wheelchair bound, it was one of the few times I saw her cry because of her situation. We were listening to Christmas music and it proved to be too much, so I switched it off. She was not one to wallow in self pity, ever standing up to fight, always looking her disease square in the face, NEVER giving up. She was an inspiration to so many.

Tammy and Jerry in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the stem cell transplant, counting the hours waiting for the plane to land, hoping and praying it was the answer. Emotions ran high. It was a very important day, seemingly the pinnicle of her treatment. Jerry was so there for his sister. He sacrificed so much for her, his job, time, money, but if you asked him he would never see it that way. That is what love is isn't it? You don't think about yourself, it's all about the other person. I don't know how many times we would get a call, I'd throw clothes together and he be on his way in minutes. Cancelling appointments, rearranging schedules, all because he had his priorities right. Jerry could not have done more right by his sister and she knew how much he loved her. What an honor it was for him to be there and do for her.

Wedding Day, have you ever seen eyes so blue? She had to most incredible blue eyes I have ever seen. While taking pictures of her children the other day at the park, it dawned on me that they both have her eyes. Look at those pics and see for yourself. She does live on, she lives on in the features and personalities of her children and the memories tucked away and cherished in our minds.

Mothers Day weekend 2007. This photo I cherish. She and my daughter. This was during one of Tammy's toughest times. Mollie, the picture of health and her fighting for her life, so unfair.

Tammy, Zach and Bethany. I envied her mothering skills. She never seemed to get too ruffled by motherhood. Never very stressed out. Always patient and knew how to have fun with her kids.

Tammy and me. Heartbreaking. We all have a hero and I have named her mine. I don't know the purpose of her being taken so early but I do know I have gleaned from her walk and have tried to put things in my life in a more correct perspective. None of us knows when it's our turn. We don't know when we'll get the news. One of Tammy's favorite songs as well as mine is Tim McGraw's "Live Like Your Were Dying". This song is about her. She was dealt cards that nobody wants to play with and she played that hand until the end, never folding. Chemo took her hair, that was o.k., she wouldn't even wear a wig. Chemo put her in a wheelchair, she said no way to that and got to walking on crutches and eventually threw them away as well. Chemo and cancer eventually took everything physical from her but could never take her spirit. She wouldn't let it. Anyone with an outlook like that is my hero.

Nurse Tammy, just weeks away from graduating with her R.N. she had to quit. She physically couldn't continue. I think this was one of her toughest battles. To come so close to realizing her dream and having to quit was so difficult. Tammy was not a quitter. Tammy was honored with her Honorary Degree in Nursing one year ago today. The college brought her diploma and pin to her just hours before she passed away.

Tammy, two days post transplant in her "Flamingo" outfit. My opinion... only she would have the guts to wear it!

Tammy and her mom. Her mom put her entire life on hold for her daughter. Their relationship blossomed as well as deepened during this experience. Lynn was continually there, taking care of Tammy when she was home and needing it or watching after the kids when Tammy was in the hospital. Lynn had to watch her firstborn suffer and die, something no mother should have to go through, but I'm sure that even though it was the most difficult thing Lynn has had to go through, that she wouldn't trade the memories and stories for anything.

Tammy in the hospital in those boots. Those boots that I got her. I have a pair and she liked them so well I got her the same pair. My heart broke when her brother read from her journal her last wishes, one of which is that she wanted to be buried in them. I can't look at mine without thinking of her and wear them with pride.

Bethany, Tammy and Zack. This picture was their Christmas card 2 years ago. A great picture but sad. She left behind two WONDERFUL kids that have been through more in their 12 and 14 years than most people I know my age. These kids seem strong, to be fighters like their mom and I have no doubt that though they may be banged and bruised they will use the sorrow in their life in a positive way for others. I can't wait to see them as adults and where life's road will take them. They are amazing!

It's amazing how one person's life can impact so many. How her experience has changed others. How she is so much in our thoughts. How hard it is to let go. There is a can of Ensure that has been sitting on the china cabinet in our dining room for a year now. Jerry put it there, softly saying, "this was her last meal". It will never leave that spot. It is a reminder that this life is so temperal, things can change in an instant. We are here for a season and to make the most of the blink of an eye in comparison with eternity that we can. We can look at other people lives and their suffering and thank God profusely for the blessings in our own. Their suffering puts things in perspective. The things that seem so important probably would pale if we got "the news". If everbody lived their life like the song "Live Like You Were Dying", this world would be a better place.

Today will be a difficult day for many but a celebration of a life well lived. She crammed so much life into her short 37 years. Please pray for our family as we re-live so many memories today. This is a tough one.